Bill Maher's Dinner at the Gaslight Café
The MAGA Mystery Tour
Bill Maher:
For what I know you’ve all been waiting for, I’d like to give you my book report on my visit to the White House. As you know, 12 days ago, I had dinner with President Trump — a dinner that was set up by my friend Kid Rock, because we share a belief that there's got to be something better than hurling insults from 3,000 miles away.
Audience:
“How about hurling them from inside the White House, Bill?”
Maher:
And let me first say that to all the people who treated this like it was some kind of summit meeting, you are ridiculous. Like I was going to sign a treaty or something.
Audience:
“You did sign something, Bill — your own cancellation notice.”
“Bro thinks he’s the Henry Kissinger of HBO.”
Maher:
I have no power. I'm a … comedian and he's the most powerful leader in the world. I'm not the leader of anything, except maybe a contingent of centrist-minded people who think there's got to be a better way of running this country than hating each other every minute.
Audience:
“That’s not a contingent, that’s just your Substack comment section.”
Maher:
OK, so meet up in person, maybe it'll be different. Spoiler alert, it was.
Audience:
“Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.”
“Man went to Narnia and came back with a MAGA hat.”
Maher:
First good sign, before I left for the capital, I had my staff collect and print out this list of almost 60 different insulting epithets that the president said about me.
Audience:
“Oh, cute. You brought a scrapbook to fascism.”
Maher:
I brought this to the White House because I wanted him to sign it, which he did.
Audience:
“Wow, such bravery. Did he also draw a heart over the ‘i’ in ‘idiot’?”
“Did you ask him to sign your yearbook next?”
Maher:
And I know as I say that, millions of liberal sphincters just tightened.
Audience:
“Bill, thanks for the visual—really clears up why you’re not on PBS.”
“You just had dinner with authoritarian cosplay and we’re the ones clenching?”
“Bold take from a guy who brought a burn list to a fascist’s buffet.”
Maher:
Oh my god, Bill, are you gonna say something nice about him? What I'm gonna do is report exactly what happened. You decide what you think about it.
Audience:
“No thanks, we already did decide.”
Maher:
So no, I didn't go MAGA.
Audience:
“You just dined MAGA.”
“Hat’s in the mail, pal.”
Maher:
And to the president's credit, there was no pressure to.
Audience:
“No pressure? He already owns you.”
“You showed up with a list of insults and left with merch. That’s pressure.”
Maher:
He showed me the little room off the office, you know, the one where Clinton used to ... the (expletive) room, OK? Well, not anymore. That's where they keep the merch now.
Audience:
“So the Oval Office is now adjacent to the gift shop.”
Maher:
And he gave me a bunch of hats, but he didn’t ask me to take a picture in one, which I appreciated.
Audience:
“He didn’t need to — you’re already in the family photo.”
Maher:
But when I got there, that guy wasn't living there.
Audience:
“No, he was just on break from Truth Social.”
Maher:
Does Trump want respect? Of course, who doesn't?
Audience:
“People who earn it, Bill. That’s who.”
“Respect isn’t a souvenir from the White House tour.”
Maher:
He laughs! I've never seen him laugh in public.
Audience:
“You’re mistaking gas for laughter.”
“Yeah, he laughs right before coups.”
Maher:
Believe me, as a comedian of 40 years, I know a fake laugh when I hear it.
Audience:
“Then why are you still doing stand-up?”
Maher:
In the Oval Office he pointed to Reagan and said in all seriousness, ‘You know the best thing about him? His hair.’
Audience:
“Same thing he said about Mussolini.”
“A man who tried to nuke hurricanes giving hair reviews. Cool, bro.”
Maher:
He’s much more self-aware than he lets on in public.
Audience:
“Yeah, that’s what sociopaths do. They let on.”
Maher:
I told him he was wrong when he tweeted the night before that I was critical of all things Trump. Not true — check the tapes.
Audience:
“Imagine defending yourself to Trump with footage.”
Maher:
Moving Israel's embassy to Jerusalem? Loved it. The border did need to be controlled...
Audience:
“Just say you’ve joined Fox News and move on.”
Maher:
I never felt I had to walk on eggshells around him.
Audience:
“Because you are the eggshell, Bill.”
Maher:
I would never feel comfortable talking to Clinton or Obama the way I was able to talk with Donald Trump.
Audience:
“Translation: ‘I like it when powerful men laugh at my jokes.’”
Maher:
He was even OK when I checked him on the orangutan lawsuit.
Audience:
“Because he thinks you meant it as a compliment.”
“At this point, I think the orangutan should sue you.”
Maher:
I got home, turned on ‘60 Minutes’ and there he was, ranting, ‘Disgusting, you’re a terrible person.’ And I'm like, who's that guy?
Audience:
“You met Dr. Jekyll. America gets Mr. Hyde.”
Maher:
I went into the mine, and that's what's down there.
Audience:
“Next time, don’t bring a flashlight. Bring a conscience.”
Maher:
And I have no illusions, now that I'm back to work at my job, that he might start a new list.
Audience:
“Oh good. Make sure he spells your name right this time.”
Maher:
He understood that, and without animus.
Audience:
“Bill Maher: presidential therapist with a punchline.”
Maher:
At one point I said to him, ‘You're scaring people. Do you really want to be scaring your own citizens so much?’ And I know now you're all saying, and what did he say to that? Honestly, I don't remember.
Audience:
“Probably because he threw a hat at you and you fainted.”
Maher:
My favorite part of the whole night was we agreed the people who don't even want us to talk? We don't like you.
Audience:
“Congrats on becoming the ‘both sides’ guy at the fascist potluck.”
Maher:
Trump was gracious and measured, and why he isn't that in other settings, I don't know.
Audience:
“Because he isn’t, Bill. You met his emotional hologram.”
“Gracious? You need new glasses and a time machine.”
Maher:
I'm just telling you what I saw, and I wasn't high.
Audience:
“Then you have no excuse.”
I'm glad you wrote about this. I watched it even though I have grown to loathe Maher, because I wanted to see how he was going to spin going to the White House to see trump at the behest of Kid Rock. I mean, ugh. And it did not disappoint. I figure in a month or so, he's going to have Scott Adams on his show so the two of them can commiserate about how the media is so mean to Dear Leader.
Maher and Adams have a lot in common, in my estimation. I have a special loathing for people who couch their opinions in a "both sides" or "just asking questions" smokescreen. They know what they are saying, but they think this makes it more palatable. It does not. It just shows what contemptible charlatans they are.