The Children of Men, LLC
Elon Musk’s Maternity Outreach Team
Elon Musk decided to repopulate the earth personally at some point in the last few years while the rest of us were attempting to survive a collapsing civilization with little more than Wi-Fi and sarcasm. One imagines him seated in a leather chair, spinning a globe, one eyebrow arched, wondering which continent he hasn’t impregnated yet.
According to Dana Mattioli’s Wall Street Journal reporting (with screenshots courtesy of Josh Marshall), Musk has quietly assembled what he calls his “legion.” By “legion,” he does not mean a quaint family of precocious children and mismatched socks. No, he means something more along the lines of a militarized preschool.
In Roman terms, a legion was 5,000 men. In Musk’s terms, it is how many children he apparently plans to sire before the apocalypse—which he predicts, manages, and occasionally livestreams.
The Administrative Burden of Breeding
Like any proper autocrat, Musk does not do the logistics himself. That falls to Jared Birchall, who manages Musk’s family office and his rotating cast of wombs. Imagine Jeeves but with a legal pad and a sperm quota.
Birchall handles the paperwork, the hush money, and the real estate purchases. This includes the famed “Austin compound,” reportedly designed to house Musk’s children and the women formerly known as individuals.
You may be wondering: is this ethical? Which is adorable. We talk about ethics when we don’t have $250 billion.
Conception as a Content Strategy
One woman, Tiffany Fong, received a direct message from Musk suggesting they reproduce. They had never met. Their courtship consisted entirely of him liking her political posts and her suddenly making $21,000 in two weeks thanks to Musk’s engagement on X. Some men send flowers. Elon sends a revenue spike and a polite inquiry into your uterus.
She declined, which, in this economy, is practically heroic.
Another woman, St. Clair, was advised to deliver via C-section to expand the baby’s brain capacity—Musk being the self-appointed obstetrician of our collapsing empire. He also urged her to forgo circumcision, likely due to a Tweet he skimmed at 3 a.m.
St. Clair, who is Jewish and presumably not interested in parenting by meme, disagreed. Musk responded by offering $2 million—half as a loan. It’s heartening to know that even romance can now be financed like a mid-tier kitchen remodel.
Power, Privacy, and Paternity Tests
Birchall steps in when things get complicated—as they do when one is running multiple companies, a social media platform, and a fertility cult. His job is to ensure the mothers are kept private, pliant, and preferably out of court.
NDAs are standard. Legal threats are implied. If the women complain, Musk’s camp allegedly warns of “financial consequences,” which the rest of us call rent.
Now, defenders of Musk will say it’s all consensual. No one’s forcing anyone, which is technically accurate, in the same way that Marie Antoinette never took away anyone’s bread. When you dangle millions in front of people whose future earnings depend on your favor, you’re not proposing—you’re issuing subpoenas with emojis.
What’s the Endgame, Exactly?
Let’s be clear: this isn’t just about babies. This is about power. It’s about a man who owns the digital public square, bankrolls political campaigns, and thinks society will crumble unless he stockpiles a genetic army.
And we’re all meant to nod politely while he explains that C-sections increase IQ.
If the Roman Empire had this kind of press team, we’d still be speaking Latin and waiting for Brutus to drop a podcast.
Final Note:
At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Musk renamed his children after spreadsheets. His next one will probably be called Q4FY26 Margin Expansion Musk. And the mother? You’ll know her by the revenue spike.
Citations (for the accountants among you):
Dana Mattioli, Wall Street Journal, “The Tactics Elon Musk Uses to Manage His ‘Legion’ of Babies—and Their Mothers,” April 15, 2025.
Josh Marshall, Screenshots & sanity preservation, Bluesky, April 15, 2025.
“Q4FY26 Margin Expansion Musk” made my day. 😆 So thanks.